Archive for the 'The Real You' Category
-image-What We Need
I was walking through the park the other day following behind a mom and her young son. It’s been a long time since I had a child that young to interact with and it was fun to watch her talk to him and encourage him. (Sigh… I do love being able to finally have adult conversations!) It occured to me though that watching a child interact with the adult in their lives is probably an excellent way to figure out exactly what the rest of us are looking for in relationship and community.
I mean as adults we get all our baggage mixed up with all our real needs, not to mention all the shoulds and should nots that others have taught us. But kids, they are easy to read. They know exactly what they want from you. I mean, for example, when was the last time you ever saw a kid worrying about the basic necessities of life? They don’t, they’ve always had what they needed, so they just assume they always will. (The only exception being children who haven’t always had what they needed, but let’s not go there.)
No, your kids aren’t worried about whether they are going to be fed today, whether their house will still be their house tomorrow, or if they have enough clothes to keep them warm. That’s not what kids really want from you. In fact, I was surprised, watching this boy and his mom, I realized there are only really three things that we all want out of our relationships and our community at large.
Interaction - it almost goes without saying, but really, it’s a fundamental need at all ages. When the Goddess of Real Estate came down with her family two weekends ago I was sitting next to Her Royal Majesty the Princess (trust me, that’s not an exaggertion for my niece’s alias, she totally would believe you were talking about her), sitting next to her meant I was talking to her. That’s what a seat mate is for in her mind. We had great discourses about Barbie shoes that don’t stay on and other such all important topics. When Wakizashi got that seat on the way home he became her new best friend (how fickle!). Which naturally leads me to the next thing.
To Be Seen - we all want to be seen or acknowledged. Every kid has the same song and dance, “Look at me.. (hop, hop, hop) Look at me! (hop, hop, hop) Mom, mom, Look at me.” etc… What makes us think that the older we get the less we want to be looked at? Seriously, if you think about all the complicated things adults do in a relationship you can break a lot of them down to a simple “Look at me!”
To Be Valued - every kid wants you to tell them that what they have to contribute is important and valuable. They want their joke to be funny, their picture to be amazing, their sandwhich to be delicious; doesn’t matter what it is, they just want you to tell them you like it. Think about it, that’s what we all do. Take being a “homemaker” for example, what’s our biggest gripe? (Besides not getting the $150 000 salary we really do earn in a year.) Nobody comes home and says, “Wow, dear, great job today. You did the dishes fabulously, and look, my kids are all happy, dressed and fed. Nobody could do this as well as you do!” Of course not, we are expected to do the dishes, mop the floor, and feed the kids, so no one values our contributions. (Little lesson for husbands there, want to get something out of your wife, tell her how much you appreciate the folded laundry and she’ll be putty in your hands.)
Right, so where was I going with all this? I’m not really sure.
Oh yes, it seemed like an interesting revelation to me; the more I thought about it the more I realized that everything we do in any relationship (at it’s base level) breaks down to one of these three things. No matter how old we’ve gotten we’ve never outgrown mom walking on one path and us walking on another only to have her call out to us (despite only being five feet away), “Hey there you on the high road…” (Also, I figure, it might be the skeleton of a great parenting lesson, don’t you think?)
Just something to think about.
Posted by Megan @
7:08 am |
-image-The Swallowing of Self
Yesterday, I was watching Dr. Phil (or was it the day before that?) while I was working (I can’t stand working in silence, I must have some kind of sound on to be able to concentrate), and a woman on the show said that when she married her husband she had chosen to surpress her Self. (Long story short, she married someone she didn’t truly love, and discovered there was no room for the real Her in that relationship - so she chose to swallow that part of herself.)
Wow! I can’t imagine making that decision.
I know what it means to wake up one morning and realize you don’t know who you are. I can’t tell you how many times I asked myself who I was, only to be frustrated that the only answers that came to me were, “Wakizahi’s Wife” and “The Kung Fu Master’s Mother”. But, I didn’t choose to give myself up, I didn’t willfully swallow my Self. I simply lost her somewhere along the way (or maybe I lost her so long ago that I technically never really had her). I can’t even imagine what it would be like to have known her, but chosen to walk away from her.
I say that, but I just now realized, I have swallowed myself - and still do on occassion. It’s a short-term swallowing though; like those fish that hide their young in their mouths (have you ever seen video of that? It’s really very amusing.). When I first started figuring out who I was and then realizing that that person wasn’t going to be very welcome in all the relationships I already had, I swallowed her then. I sometimes still do; for politeness’ sake (that’s what I tell myself).
I’m so glad though, so thankful, that there is room in my relationship with Wakizashi for the Real Megan. I can’t imagine what I would do if I woke up one morning and found that who I was wasn’t welcome in my most intimate relationship. It’s enough to make me want to cry for her, and for all of you who know exactly what she and I are talking about.
Posted by Megan @
9:03 pm |
-image-I Want to be Wealthy!
Wealthy is one of those dirty words (I’ve discovered that I use a lot of these “dirty” words on my journey lately). You know the words that I mean, words like: Abundance, Prosperity, and Success. They have that nasty selfish feeling attached to them. Wealthy is one of those words. Frankly speaking (and maybe more so for us women who are taught to always be “nice”), wanting to be wealthy is just not o.k. in most circles.
Deep down inside though, I want to be wealthy. These “dirty” words tug at something deep down inside of me, some running stream of desire. I hear them and that stream rears up, “That’s what I want”. Then, of course, Proper Me, forces it back down. She explains all the reasons it’s simply wrong for me to be telling anyone that I want to be Wealthy. It’s selfish, she says, materialistic, arrogant; who do you think you are anyway? Are you any more special than all the poor, struggling, and middle class that you somehow deserve what they don’t have? What makes you think you can handle, or deserve something as elite as Wealth?
I know you hear me here. I know I’m not talking to myself.
Lately though, I’ve been thinking about the people who have Wealth and wondering, asking Proper Me, What makes you think that I’m not as worthwhile as them? That I don’t deserve what they have?
Really, I’ve been thinking about what Wealth really is anyway. I mean, why are the words dirty and forbidden? What do they really mean? (They are such naughty words that I’ve never really paused to consider that aspect before…)
The problem is, if you ask me (which you haven’t actually, but it’s my blog post so tough luck), that in our culture all these words have materialistic meanings. Prosper, succeed, abundance, wealth - the first thing we think of is money. Go on, admit it, this entire post you’ve been kind of thinking how selfish and wrong it was for me to actually talk about wanting money. I never once mentioned money or things, but it’s what you were thinking.
Don’t worry, it’s not your fault.
It’s true that by a modern dictionary those would be the primary meanings of the words (after all, dictionaries only sum up our cultural understandings), but I don’t think that it’s that meaning that is resonating and drawing on my soul. The truth is, I’d like a sense of financial freedom, but otherwise, I’m not overly attached to money (except to say, the more of it I have the more I have to give away). It’s got to be something else drawing on our souls, some imbedded meaning that we’ve forgotten.
So, I looked them up. I looked in a dictionary, and dug into their history a bit, I looked beyong the materialistic meanings. Of course, they do have them. Prosperity implies having lots of things, so does abundance and wealth, and success is often measured by money, but I left those meanings off. I haven’t altered the definitions of these words in any way, I’m merely shifting your focus to something deeper than things.
Success - Accomplishment of desired end, favorable/desired outcome.
Wouldn’t that definition mean that I can define my own success? I get to decide whether I’ve succeeded or not? The benchmark of success is completely within my grasp; that’s an empowering idea. Actually, I think success is a word we all need to define for ourselves. Otherwise we find ourselves striving for some vague idea of having succeeded and too often feel like failures (of course we do, how do we know if we hit the target if we haven’t defined the target?).
Prosperity - To succeed (interesting isn’t it!), to render happy, the condition of being successful or thriving.
Now there’s a thought provoking definition. If being prosperous means being successful and happy, and we’ve already taken the time to define what those two things mean in our lives (happiness being another word we strive for and miss because we don’t know what it is), then the chances of us actually living prosperous lives is exponential. Think about that!
Abundance - amply supplied, fullness, overflow.
Wealth - Happiness, a sound, healthy, prosperous state, well-being.
I don’t really have any desire to be rich (many people are and aren’t wealthy, successful, abundant, or prosperous you know), but I’ve decided I want to be wealthy (and prosperous, successful, and live abundantly too)! And I’m not ashamed to say so.
Posted by Megan @
8:31 am |
-image-Retreat Revelations
I was having a conversation with a friend last weekend (before I went away) - have you ever noticed how things seem to come more clearly to you when you are talking to someone? - we were just chatting about weight and changing your life and living passionately with integrity - you know, the normal kind of things I talk about.
Talking to my friend a small (or, probably not so small) truth about myself popped into my head. This weekend while I was away on retreat it grew into fullness - a great big blooming plant of understanding. You should know that I walk my talk. I do what I do and talk about the things I talk about because I’ve gone through them, and am going through them. There is really only one area that I’m not true to myself or my message on: that’s my Weight.
The truth is I’m overweight. And it was on this issue that my friend sparked a truth that grew into a revelation (you see, my friend has been diligently loosing weight herself so it was topic of interest). Over the years, I have, myself, lost quite a bit of weight, and then allowed it to come back. In fact, when I choose to loose weight (and actually act on it) it comes off quite easily. But then, well, why I let it come back is what I realized. Here’s what I wrote in my journal on Friday (after a bath):
I am just now profoundly aware that this belly is not my belly. I’ve known it all along. I’ve seen this belly, but for the most part, it’s been unreal. My belly is somewhere underneath this one that shows - like a fat suit I’m wearing day in and day out. I’m occassionally shocked to see that roll of fat there - that’s not the me I see myself as in my head. I never have been this fat girl (so why have I allowed her to exist?).
That’s why I’m so hesitant to post my picture on the blog and business. Everyday Renaissance is so much myself. It’s ME in almost everyway. It’s not that I don’t want people to see me (as I formerly thought), but tht I know what they would see today is false: it’s not me - and I don’t want that false me put on something that is so much the real me.
It seems to me the picture itself would be an untruth that puts all the other truths into question. Only one presentation of me can be true; I know which one, but would others?
This girl, whom so many think of as Megan (I wonder if Wakizashi does?) has never been Megan - only the mask I wear, the front I play. Deep down inside I’m always very aware - but not in words, not till recently - that no one is really seeing or knowing me. They would have to dig through heavy layers of fat to find me, and how many make that effort?
All these years this Heavy Megan has been allowed to exist. I have invited her to stay. No matter how much I rail against being fat - it’s really only been an invitation, an excuse, to hate myself. And truly, I’m done hating me.
And, I’m done with the fat suit. So, what I’ve decided to do is to tell the fat girl she’s been given her notice and she no longer has permission to stay. Before, I did the work to get skinny, but really didn’t want Heavy Megan to go; she always knew she was welcome, so she and I conspired to let her stay. Now, as of today, she is welcome to leave.
I appreciate all she’s done for me up until now. Insulated me and given me a safe, warm place to grow strong, but I don’t need her anymore. So, I thank her for her companionship and softness and invite her to move on.
I’ve always “seen” myself as myself, but now it’s time for me to “see” others seeing me that way too. Time for the real me to come out.
I’m not sure why I’m sharing this nakedness with you, except that it felt like something that had to be done. It seems to me that we can do all we want to loose weight, get in shape, stop yelling, etc… but the truth is, until we confront why those angry, fat, nasty women have come to reside in us in the first place, all our doing is for nothing. So, whatever must be done this time, will be done with wisdom and the ease of knowing I’m not in any hurry. Fat Megan is moving out, and so the real Megan will show up in her own good time.
Posted by Megan @
6:29 am |
-image-Deepest Fears and Powerful Points
When I got back from my trip I had a small pile of emails to read and respond to, among them was one from Jana telling me to visit a particular post she had made in my absence (it was in relation to our on-going conversation). I’m so glad she did, because I happen to love the quote she was posting in response to (see today’s other post).
Sometimes, I talk to people about who I am and what I do and I can see the look of doubt that washes across their face. It’s all well and good, they tell me, but… I know what they are thinking. It’s selfish, too self-focused, I understand, I once thought like that too. That’s one of the reasons I love this quote, because I’ve since discovered that it is the furthest thing from selfishness.
It’s sometimes hard to explain to women (especially women, it has to do with our nurturing natures I think) that taking care of ourselves, loving ourselves, and investing in our own dreams and callings, is the greatest gift we have to give to the others in our lives. Jana makes a powerful point:
To hold back, to be afraid, is to deny OTHERS…
Who are we not to be ourselves? Not to live up to everything that was put in us to be?
That’s the ultimate act of selfishness. To hold back from allowing ourselves to explore everything that we have within us to give because it’s scary is selfish. It denies others the beautiful things, loving words, and powerful acts that were yours to put into this world. But, even worse than that, it tells our children, our sisters, and everyone we brush up against, in subtle, unspoken words, that it’s not ok to reach and stretch for dreams and that living - truly living - is more than any of us can and should ask for. It tells others to sit down, be quiet, and do what’s expected of them.
So, I’m being gorgeous, talented, and fabulous, I’m doing it to make sure that you know it’s ok for you to be gorgeous, talented, and fabulous too!
Posted by Megan @
5:55 am |
