-image-A Thought Occurred to Me

November 28, 2007 | A Kick in the Butt, Just Me

I think I know how we begin the process of losing our selves.

It all begins with: worry, doubt, or fear. We are presented with something that frightens us; an opportunity, the next logical step, a risk. I don’t think it has to be a big thing, it could be anything really. If it’s true to you and strikes close to your heart then chances are it’s scary. It’s always scary to move closer to being yourself (I haven’t quite figured out why that is though).

Being scared is normal and perfectly acceptable. In fact, I think that when something is the next right step it’s absolutely necessary that it stretches us a little bit, and anything that stretches us is going to be a little scary. Come on, some days I’m scared to commit to eating no potato chips; what if I get a really big craving for them? What will I do then?

Being scared, or having doubts, or worrying about whether we are doing the right thing, those kinds of things aren’t the problem. They are just plain normal. (I’ve come to this conclusion because no matter how darn hard I try I just can’t seem to shake them.) Looking risk (no matter how small or large it may be) in the face is guaranteed to stir up fear; what really matters is what we do in response to that fear.

I know my first inclination is to step away from the risk (”Put down the big idea and walk away slowly.”) - I’ll be the first to admit that I can be a bit of a chicken. But, it turns out this is when I get into all my problems. You see, I start out by trying to avoid just one thing: the risk.

But, I can’t just avoid doing the risk, I also have to avoid thinking about the risk. This is when finding distractions can be very helpful. So, now I’m trying to distract myself from the choice that I’ve decided to back away from, but that’s easier said than done.

One of the things that makes the risk so risky is that it’s very much Me. I mean, if it was something inconsequential then it wouldn’t be very scary; it’s only the things that really matter to me that scare me enough to freeze me into inaction. Which means that, one day while I’m desperately trying to ignore the very loud knocking in my head (I’ve discovered that the “next right step” can be very pushy and annoying when you ignore it for too long) I find that doing those things I really love to do, the things that really make me feel like myself, just makes the knocking louder.

My solution is simple: do more of those distracting activities instead. Now instead of just distracting myself from moving forward I slowly find myself taking up distractions to just avoid the here and now, and eventually I’m successfully distracting myself from my Self.

Despite the fact that I’m feeling very lost and frustrated, and the fact that I know I’m miserable and unhappy, I also still know (at least subconsciously) the minute I turn back to myself I’m going to be face to face with that (by now) terrifying next step.

It turns out that the slide from happily moving forward in life to living paralyzed by fear and distraction isn’t really that difficult a leap. How come it’s so much easier, and faster, to go astray than it is to back peddle and correct all the mistakes? I mean, you can gain ten pounds in a matter of days, but it takes months to lose it again. I hate that.

I wonder if the people who feel lost and like they have no idea who they are and why they are here are the people who have completely embraced distraction rather than facing the risk (especially when that would mean disappointing someone they love) until their entire lives become the distraction and they don’t even remember who they were (or were on the way to becoming).

In my case I just can’t stand distracted life. It grates against my nerves. So, I suppose, it’s back to facing the risk and finally taking the leap.

On the plus side, I’ll finally be spending some time with my Self again, which is nice because we haven’t seen each other in a little while.

-image-The Inexplicable Hiatus

October 15, 2007 | Just Me

What’s the date? I can’t believe it; it’s been a whole week since I last posted! Ack! When did that happen?

I’m not really clear on what happened to last week. It was Thanksgiving here in Canada, and of course, there was my slight meltdown.

To be honest, it wasn’t really a meltdown, that’s just what I’ve been calling it. It was more waking up to the potential meltdown about to happen.

I’ve been a little carried away with work lately (which is putting it mildly). From your end I’m sure it looks like nothing is happening at more than a snail’s pace, but on my end there’s a wild frenzy of activity. I kept telling myself things would calm down once everything launched; I’d have time to think once everything went live, etc… But of course, that wouldn’t happen, it would just be a different kind of busy then.

Part of me knew I was lying to myself and killing myself (which is very ironic considering the whole bent of my business is about taking care of yourself), but that message hadn’t gotten to my head yet. Until Friday.

Friday something odd happened and my head and my heart both heard what the rest of me had been screaming about for weeks: I needed to take a break and get myself out of this hole I’d been digging. So, I went away for a few days. I was away Sunday to Tuesday (Monday was a holiday so the boys stayed home and watched TV the whole time I was gone).

So really, last week only lasted from Wednesday to Friday, and what with appointments and The Kung Fu Master’s volunteering and trying to keep things balanced… nothing much ended up getting done. Which explains why it’s been more than a week since I’ve come in here to post.

I spent my days away doing nothing and thinking (in that order); I’m still doing a lot of processing of all the thinking, but I never got around to posting because I wasn’t sure what I was going to post about. I’m still trying to find my something to say again (I know it’s in there I just have to find it). I’m sure I’ll have tracked down something to say by tomorrow, at the very lastest.

In the meantime may I suggest you find a little time to do nothing? Sometimes nothing is a very valuable thing to do.

-image-This is When I would Normally be Eating Potato Chips

September 20, 2007 | Just Me

I’m lounging on the couch watching Beauty and the Geek (don’t ask), it’s late and my tummy is telling me I’m hungry.

I went down to the kitchen a while ago, but I wasn’t hungry enough for anything I found down there so I came back up foodless. Still, my stomach is trying to tell me that it wants food - specifically something salty… like potato chips.

I’m pretty sure I’m not really hungry (it is late, but it’s more likely tht what I need is sleep not food), and I’m almost positive that if I am it can’t be exlusively for potato chips.

Snacking is my back up activity. I don’t normally eat emotionally so much as I eat when I’m bored. I tend to always be in motion (it drives Wakizashi crazy) and when I’m doing a sitting still activities eating snack food is just as good a motion as any other.

The Kung Fu Master and I share a learning style (and a learning disability depending on how you look at it). A few years ago when I was reading up on it I was a little shocked to see listed among the characteristics snacking while learning. Apparently, the regular motion helps us focus. Gosh… that explains a lot actually (but probably isn’t a good excuse for picking bad snacking foods).

I know you are probably bored of listening to me go on about my own food issues, so I’ll get right to the point of my post. Realizing that what I wanted was potato chips was eye opening. I’m not really hungry at all, I’m just suffering from the call of my old bad habits.

Realizing that was immensely powerful. It was a rush! Knowing it means that I don’t have to “obey” it - it means I have a choice. So, now I’ll go back off to bed with nothing but the satisfaction of knowing that I made the right choice tonight. Yay me! (Turns out, knowledge really is power.)

-image-I’ve Been Painting Again

September 16, 2007 | Just Me, Art & Such

Ok… I think I may have become obsessed, or maybe just temporarily consumed? To be honest, even though I’m feeling a time crunch with work it occurred to me this weekend (not that Wakizashi hasn’t been telling me this for weeks) that maybe if I take some time to not do any work the time I do work will be better.

I know this. In fact, I teach it in coaching. What do they say, “Doctor, heal thyself.” Yeah… We all need reminders.

Painting is a lovely way to while away a day or two (running neck in neck with reading a goo book of course). After painting went so well yesterday I decided to just keep right on painting. I worked on another project from the beginning of the year (actually, I probably started it last December as it was meant to be a birthday gift for my sister-in-law and her husband who both have January birthdays). It’s one of the biggest pieces I’ve ever done and I don’t know how to scan it. I’ll probably photograph it when it’s completely finished.

After working on that for a bit I decided I really wanted to work on another really old project. I had three mini pieces of paper taped down to work on a project for Wakizashi (Japanese Garden) but decided instead to use them for something I’ve had in my sketch book since last November. (I can’t believe they were dated 2006 and I’m only just getting to them.) I sketched them out last night and did one background. This morning I finished all three of them off (they are small and simple after all).

The story behind the paintings:
Last winter while killing time in a library I came across a picture of Tibetan prayer flags. That got me to thinking about prayer and its different manifestations. I loved that these flags were solid, physical, representations of prayers (kind of like candles in a Catholic church I suppose). That inspired me and I sketched out three pieces with prayer flags flying in the wind. I meant them to be more than paintings of flags, but to be paintings about prayer and so I called the series “Praying”.

Now I have a dilema though. When I finished the first one I was a little disappointed - my pencil drawing was so much better! So, I added in pen lines to give the flags better definition. I ended up doing this on the second one too. I really like both images, and I don’t have a problem with the pen lines, but they always make a painting a little lighter or more cartoony feeling.

I tried a different sky technique with the last image (with the sun directly behind a flag fading everything out) and it turned out beautifully. I think it’s my favorite just becuse of that technique. I don’t want to add pen lines to it because I don’t think it needs them; plus, I don’t want to give it that feeling - it’s too good the way it is. Without pen lines though it kind of seperates it from the others, and I had meant them to be a series.

Now, I’m at a loss for what to do.

I suppose, I could consider the first two a kind of practice run and redo them to better suit the final out come of the third - think of it as a learning experience. Or maybe they look ok together the way they are? Or, maybe I should add some black lines to the third… I just can’t decide. Anyway, here’s my final (I think) pieces of weekend art.

The two with black lines (and of course, the scanner doesn’t even come close to showing the colors accurately):

Praying 1 (I’ll give them distinct names when I know what I’m doing with them)
Watercolor and Pen on Cold-press paper

Praying 2
Watercolor and Pen on Cold-press paper

And the one I’m not sure what to do with (the flag in the sunlight is actually green not yellow as this scan implies):

Praying 3
Watercolor on Cold-press paper

Maybe some experimenting with tracing paper will help? Now there’s a good idea…

Don’t forget about the: Girlfriends Art Contest

Here’s how it works, I’ll share three of the insides I’ve got here for cards and you pick two (or all three) that you’d like to illustrate. Then draw whatever comes to mind. Send me your art at muse @flamingrenaissance.com (without the space obviously) and I’ll judge the contest (well, not alone, Wakizashi and a few nameless others will help me). The winner of the contest will have their art published on a small line of greetings cards that will be sold through Everyday Renaissance - and besides the prestige of saying you won and being able to show people your cards you’ll get a contract for 20% royalties on all the cards sold.

Phew… You may submit original art, or you may submit works you’ve already done that you feel suit the cards (as long as you still own the rights to that art). I don’t want to give you too many constrictions (and lose out on a potentially great idea), so instead I’ll give you four words to guide and inspire you. Think: Girlfriends, Cute, Quirky, Fun!

So, if you are interested then here’s the final piece you need to get to work:

Card Text #1 - “Just a little note to remind you that You Matter to Me.”

Card Text #2 - “Shine, Baby, Shine. There’s no one more fabulous than you!”

Card Text #3 - “Laugh and the world laughs with you; Cry and I’ll be right over with the ice cream.”

Submission Deadline is September 29th. Winners will be announced by October 6th.

I can’t wait to see what you all have to send in!

-image-A Change in the Wind

September 14, 2007 | A Pick Me Up, Just Me

All week the weather has been crazy windy. I can hear the waves breaking and crashing on the beach from my window (I live about a block from Lake Ontario) - they’ve been going strong 24hrs a day. It is beautiful to see though.

That was the weather until yesterday. Yesterday morning was the first day all week when the lake was still; there were hardly any waves at all. It was odd, compared to it’s wildness lately walking on the beach the water seemed so still in contrast; it was immensely serene.

And comforting. Things seemed to be unravelling around me this week, and they weren’t things I could answer on my own. I could put out probes, but then I’d have to wait, put out more probes, wait some more. I felt like that poor beach being pounded unceasingly by the wind and waves.

Late Wednesday night, I got an email that finally had an answer for me. (Thank you so much for all your praying, and wishing, and good thoughts - they definitely paid off!) So, yesterday morning, I couldn’t help but feel that all the wild craziness was coming to an end and things were finally calming down again. Ironic that the weather reflected my feelings. Walking on the beach in the morning I kept thinking, “It’s going to be alright now. It’s worked itself out.”

Of course, I suppose it helped that I took some time to invest myself in something else on Wednesday evening (my schoolwork which has been neglected for over a week), and that I had been walking every morning for the whole week (these kinds of things have a cumulative effect on us). I know that those were factors in my internal switch, and I knew they would be, but sometimes we need to convince ourselves to do the things we know will make us well.

Then last night I actually drew something. It was…. fabulous. (It’s been so long since I drew anything.) I love how it turned out, but even better - and I know you’ll all be shocked to hear this - I’ve been consdering painting today.

Yep, I definitely feel more like the calm soft shore inside than like the crashing waves of two days ago. And I’m, oh, so grateful for all your love and support. I’m thinking that tomorrow I might give you a sneak peak or two into how a few things are developing.