Archive for September, 2007
-image-People Can Change
I just finished watching Season Three of Beauty and the Geek with Wakizashi this weekend.
I know, you are still trying to figure out why I’m even watching the show in the first place. I’m not really sure myself.
It all started because I was up late one night working on a project. You may recall from an earlier post that I prefer to have some kind of noise going when I’m working, which is why I had the TV turned on to any random show. That night the show turned out to be a Beauty and the Geek rerun. Ever since then I’ve been catching an episode whenever I can. It’s a strange addiction.
As a rule I dislike reality shows. I watched most of the first season of Survivor, and maybe the first two of Big Brother, but I really dislike what these shows bring out in people. You’d think that with a title like Beauty and the Geek that this show would be even worse than the others, but actually, I found it to be fascinating!
Like all the best shows (What Not to Wear, Trading Spaces, etc) Beauty and the Geek started in Britain (All Hail the Brits who make great books, great movies, and great TV - it doesn’t hurt that my ancestors are all British I suppose). I can’t say whether it’s strictly true or not, but the show claims to be a social experiment more than just a form of entertainment. Apparently, they don’t just want to see people duke it out, but their goal is to see people change, which is exactly why I can’t stop watching the show.
I love watching people. I find how people interact, their motivation for changing and growing, and how they think and learn to be absolutely fascinating (in another lifetime I could have been a psychologist, or maybe an anthropologist). I don’t like watching other reality shows because I think they bring out the worst in people. They are full of arguing and insults, backstabbing and conspiring. I hate that they discourage teamwork and friendship and make it seem like to become a winner you have to be the most devious.
I’m of the opinion that we already have enough proof of humanity’s ability to be negative and cruel to each other, what we really need is more examples of our potential to be good, supportive, and our ability grow and change into better people. Which is why I couldn’t get enough of Beauty and the Geek.
Here people were encouraged - in fact forced - to work as a team. The more you get to know, appreciate, and understand your teammate the better you do on the game. In the end, the actual point was to take the opportunity to learn from the other people there and transform yourself - the people were trying to become more than their perceived limitations told them they could be. It is fascinating.
What I find most amazing is how quickly these transformations occur. They’re only in the house for six weeks, but they seem to honestly come out different people than they went in.
Most of us don’t experience such drastic inner change in that time period, but I’ve decided there’s a reason for that. A few reasons actually. First, almost all the people there are on the show because they want to change, they signed up looking for transformation. And of course, they are cut off from the rest of life; it’s just six weeks with nothing but the challange to expand their horizons in front of them - in short, it’s a pressure cooker.
Even if we don’t all get an opportunity to go away for a few weeks and create a pressure cooker for changing our inner lives, this show has been a great encouragement, because, if nothing else, it has proven that people can change. And we all need a reminder of that truth every now and then.
Posted by Megan @
3:15 pm |
-image-Straggling Gremlins
I’ve begun to notice an interesting pheomenon! I first noticed it when my best friend was reading about herself in a book I have that defines people’s personalities (I love reading personality profiles, they fascinate me). The book I have is The Life You Were Born to Live, which is fascinatingly accurate.
Anyway, there my friend was listening and nodding along as I read her profile to her. “Well, yes,” she said to me, “I used to do that, but I wouldn’t say it’s true of me any more.” She wouldn’t?
My job as a life coach demands that I observe people. It’s my job to be the objective observer and help people see the parts of the picture that they just can’t see from their perspective. Which is a good thing because I tend to be pretty good at observing people; I like to notice things about people and learn how people think and act from that.
Which is exactly why I know that she still does that thing she thinks she’s overcome. She does it all the time when we are together. It’s not a bad thing per say (though, I think it has a negative affect on her self-esteem… or maybe her lack of self-confidence is the explanation for why she’s still doing it), but she does do it.
Today, I read the blog post of a lovely lady I’ve been working with and she did the same thing. “I’m totally healed of this…” Actually, from our correspondeces I can clearly see that she still does this behavior, but is blind to it.
This is my theory, before I knew them they must have done these things a lot, I mean, it must have been a terrible behavior. (I can see that being true of both of them, and my friend, for her part, did tell me she used to make herself sick with it.) Compared to where they were, they have come forward by leaps and bounds. They have worked so hard and improved the habit so much, that the little bit of it that’s still left seems non-existant.
I think that’s it exactly, they are completely blind to the behavior, so small is it in comparison to what they used to struggle with that they allow themselves to not notice it (there are so many more pressing issues after all).
I find all of this fascinating. I truly do. Mostly because it’s giving a wonderful window into the issues we have when it comes to personal growth, but also because if they can be blind to their habits, then I’m probably suffering from the same tendency myself.
Here’s the thing though, I think this must be a subtle ploy on the part of who ever it is that prefers us to stay our old broken selves, because even though the habit isn’t nearly as bad the little bit she does makes me sad. I hear her talking negatively about herself and I know it’s a mindset she struggles to overcome. I’m positive that if she could just push this last fragment of the behavior over the cliff she’d find herself in a new level of freedom that she’s never even dreamed of.
Sometimes I think that we think these negative behaviors are just a part of who we are. We convince ourselves we’ll never fully overcome them and so we allow ourselves to be satisfied with having tamed them. But I don’t believe that. I think they are a part of the person we are learning to grow out of, but they don’t have to be a part of the person we are learning to become.
Maybe all we need to defeat those nasty ticks and habits, once and for all, is nothing more than the hope that it is possible to come out the winner on the other side, after all?
Posted by Megan @
8:55 am |
-image-One More (If You Can Stand It) on Relationships
Ok… I think this might be the longest run I’ve ever had on one topic (now I’m tempted to go back and check!), I hope you all can stand one more post to round out the topic at hand.
I will reiterate that so far all we’ve talked about is what worked in my marriage. I do believe that I happened to accidentally stumble upon the True Magic behind Marriage (and I’m so grateful for that) and that the basic concepts will work for pretty much all marriages. You may need to make some tweeks (I imagine house work is not the way to all men’s hearts) to better suit your relationship, but the theory will probably remain the same.
Despite the fact that we were constantly fighting and were generally unhappy we still had a healthy marriage. That is to say, there was no dysfunction on either of our parts (no mental illness, no addictions), and though things were heading that way, we still predominantly loved each other - there wasn’t a whole lot of resentment built up between us, yet. We weren’t going in from a clean slate, but we were still in relative agreement.
I’ve seen marriages though, where things have disintegrated to the point that so much anger and resentment has built up on both sides that simply implementing these ideas just wouldn’t be enough.
There’s a great book by Gary Chapman called The Five Love Languages that gives a great analogy for the internal aspect of relationships.
Gary says that each of us has a relational “gas tank” (although, I think a bank account is another great analogy) our spouse (or really, any preson in relationship with us, it’s a true analogy for all relationship) makes deposits into their account with us. Different things are deposits for different people, but you know the kinds of things that he can do for you that really make you feel full of love and connection to him.
Each time our spouse asks something of us, or hurts us in some way, he makes a withdrawal from the account. No matter how happy our marriage is we are always making withdrawals. Whether Wakizashi wants me to run down and get his pager for him when I’m already comfy, or whether I’m disappointed because he said he’d do something for me and forgot, he still makes daily withdrawals from my account. What matters is whether he’s making the same amount (or more) deposits as withdrawals. In a healthy and happy relationship there is an even give and take between the two people. They both deposit and withdraw from each other on a regular basis and so a steady even keel is maintained. And, should someone have a stressful day or week there’s a balance in the account that gives us the grace to wait them out.
What happens when you first start to heal a relationship though is that past decisions and behaviors have probably drained both of you to the dredges. He’s always late and you’re alway nagging. Now you’ve started to lie to each other and fight for the fun of getting back at each other. If things go on long enough you can drain each other so dry and build up so many resentments that one act of kindness is nothing more than a drop in a very, very long empty well. This is what faces people trying to heal what has become an unhealthy relationship.
If daily life has been reduced to a point system (”I got him that time!”) then fixing it is going to take some work. Really, what needs to happen is that one of you has to decide that enough is enough (once and for all) and you are willing to do what it takes (whatever it takes) to make things better. And what it takes is being willing to be the one to make deposits into your spouse’s life while enduring his withdrawals with grace. In short, someone has to make the sacrifice to see the circumstances change.
That’s actually what happened in mine and Wakizashi’s marriage now that I think about it, which is why I believe the sacrifice pays off - make enough deposits and the other person will notice. But in relationships where a lot has built up between the two of you a lot has to be pulled down, and these things take time. I believe there’s hope for every relationship, as long as both parties are willing, but I did think it was only fair to say that relationships that are already unhealthy are going to find fixing it to be a lot more work and sacrifice than my experience was.
There is hope though.
One more thing… If your relationship is more than unhealthy, if it’s down right dysfunctional - or if one member of the relationship is dysfunctional (abusive, addict, mental illness) - then you need professional assistance. (And, in some situations you may need to seperate while you get that assistance.)
You may also find that you need outside help if your spouse turns out to be unwilling to work on the relationship (after you’ve put time and true effort into it yourself). Having an outside observer mediate between the two of you can be very powerful, so don’t be afraid to consider it as an option.
Now that I’m finally done my spiel on marriage (and relationships in general) I hope I haven’t bored you to death and that you find something from my experience to be of use to you. I know it was the most powerful transformative action in my life, and I believe it can be just as powerful even if you are a healthy and happy couple.
Posted by Megan @
9:50 am |
-image-Let’s Talk About Submitting
I know a lot of you come from a church background so I think it would pay to have a conversation about the one theory most Christians offer when it comes to marital issues: Submit to your Husbands. (For those of you who aren’t Christian you’ll have to think of this post as an academic adventure - although I’d like to think that you’ll find this to be true for your relationships too (truth is truth after all).)
For those of you who have no clue what I’m talking about (or those of you who need a refresher) here’s the Bible verse this whole idea comes from:
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
– Ephesians 5:21-32
I was really lucky, in that, when I got married we had a fabulous pre-marital counselor who taught this idea in it’s full and proper context (which is a rare occurance I’ve discovered). It didn’t mean a lot to us at the time, but it was a seed that came to full growth years later.
I’ve seen a lot - I mean a lot - of women struggle under the teaching of submitting to their husbands, so let’s set the record straight on this once and for all.
Believe it or not, not only do I believe it’s important to “submit” (I’m not sure I like that word though), but I do it in my relationship. Wakizashi always has the final say in something; I never go behind his back; if in doubt the decision we go with is his. I know, shocking, but true (I’m not even sure that he realizes how true that is).
This is where everything gets all screwed up though (not in my relationship, in other teachings) - this passage isn’t talking about women submitting to men. It’s talking about what is required on both parts to have a successful relationship. And this is what our pre-marital counselor taught us (not in so many words, it has been over ten years after all):
If you expect your wives to submit to you and have to do what you tell them because you are the head of the house then you must also do your part of this passage. Which is, in short, to love your wives the way Christ loved the church. And how did Christ love the church? He gave up his life for her. So, if you want your wives to submit then you had better be loving her to the point where you are giving up your life for her. If you aren’t willing to do your half than don’t expect her to do hers.
Just in case we were still confused about what this give and take should look like he gave an example:
Therefore, if you expect your wife to get up early and make you breakfast in bed every Saturday, then you’d better sneak out of bed before she wakes up, go down and make her some pancakes. And while you are there, you might as well wash the dishes and tidy up too. So that when she comes down to make you breakfast she finds not only breakfast made, but her chores done too. That is what this looks like.
Any counselor, or any man for that matter, can tell you that men thrive on respect. If a man feels like you respect him he will go above and beyond for you every time. This verse isn’t talking about submission as in “you bend down so I can step on you”, but about respect. Treat your husbands with respect. (It works magic.) Which of course involves being willing to let go and not always be the one in control (a difficult task for the best of us).
Likewise, anyone (except maybe the average man who seems very confused by this) will tell you that all women want is to feel loved. We want someone to love us unconditionally, think we are beautiful, and be willing to fight for us. A woman who feels like her husband treats her this will will happily wash the dishes (even when she hates doing it) and respect him any old time.
These are the magic keys in a relationship - the very same principles that mine and Wakizashi’s marriage rules are built on - Respect Each Other - Give up Control - Go Out of Your Way for the Other Person - Give Your Husband Respect - Love Your Wife in Actions.
Old school “wives submit to your husbands” doesn’t work. It doesn’t work because it doesn’t build the relationship. It’s just more of one person giving more than the other. Lots of us go into this teaching wanting to submit; we love our husbands and want to honor them. We want our marriages healed and we want to do what’s right. The problem is, spend enough time giving up everything of yourself for the sake of the marriage and you’ll eventually start to resent the marriage. We tell ourselves it’s all good and it works, but deep down inside something is grinding off telling us it’s not fair.
Of course, being “Good Christian Wives” we would never admit any of this. Of course not. We just crush the “flesh” and go on doing what’s “Right” because it’s must be right.
The thing is, marriage is a partnership; the whole point of this passage is summed up when Paul says that “two become one”. That is the goal you are after. A feeling of connection, balance and fairness. Marriage, it turns out, is a lot like riding a Tee-Ter Totter with your spouse. If you both work very hard you can keep the thing perfectly balanced. And, when one person goes off the other person can bring them back down, or push them back up (as needed). The opposite is true, if we really want to we can throw the whole thing off balance and drop or swing our partner just for the sake of being mean or getting our way. But the real point is to get in synch and keep the whole game balanced and smooth while still having fun with each other. It turns out that the Wives Submit passage was is really the “How to Ride the Tee-Ter Totter Together” passage.
I wanted to weigh in on this subject because I’m sure that at least half of you have been wondering how what I’m talking about lines up with what you’ve already been taught. Now you know. Wakizashi and I live this passage everyday of our lives; the full real rules are what saved our marriage and what continues to make it better every day.
(I like the Message better for so many things, here’s the same passage from it:
Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another.
Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.
Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage.
No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.
)
Posted by Megan @
10:43 am |
-image-A Challanging Quote
I just finished the Creative Visualization book (Yea me! One down, only… never mind, it’s way too many more to go to be excited about it.) One of the last chapters was on relationships (see what I mean about neon signs?) and had a great quote I just had to share with all of you:
Our relationships perfectly refect our own inner process; they are wonderfully effective mirrors to help us see the next step of our own growth.
– Shakti Gawain
If your relationships are down the crapper at the moment then this won’t seem like a very comforting thought at all. Most of us prefer to hoist the blame for relationship issues on the other person, so this fact might be very upsetting indeed.
But, I hope you can look at it another way (once you stop being a little indignant about the whole idea), think of it as being empowering. If they are only reflecting your inner issues then you have the power to change them! All you have to do is work on your inner Self.
Now see… that’s an invigorating thought!
Posted by Megan @
12:59 pm |
