Archive for May, 2007
-image-Mac in a Box
Yes, it’s time for the inevitable. We’ve been putting it off, but we all knew it was going to come eventually. It’s true: The Mac is being packed!
I imagine it will be plugged back in by Thursday evening (but who knows if I’ll have energy - or come to think of it, the internet - to post then). Which means I’ll be back Friday evening (The Master has work in The Big City Friday) and jumping up and down for joy. Maybe I’ll even give you a tour of my lovely NEW home!!
Posted by Megan @
11:36 am |
-image-3 Days and Counting
It’s almost time to move, and, to be honest, moving day can’t get here soon enough! I’m not really getting much of anything done. The house is pretty much packed up. We still have the kitchen appliances, pots and pans, the computer (obviously) and a few odds and ends that we can’t live the next three days without, but generally speaking the house is packed. Which leaves me not quite sure what to do next. I have been reading though; reading is always a lovely distraction.
I just recently finished reading The Measure of a Man (Poitier), but I haven’t decided what to say about it as yet. I love biographies, I absolutely love to read (hear about, and generally know) people’s stories, which is why I bought this book, but it’s not your stereotypical biography.
Book Lust has a lovely rule that says that if you aren’t enjoying a book 50 pages into it stop reading it - it’s a rule I’ve decided to apply to my life (although, when you pay $15-20 for a book it’s tempting to read it anyway just to get your money’s worth). Everytime I got to the point in Measure where I had decided I’d quit and put it back on the shelf (you never know, in a year or two it may be just the book I need) I’d hit a fascinating point and keep going. Which is why I finished it, for the handful of fascinating points. As far as recommending it though…. I think my best opinion on that is a) read the first chapter or so before you decide if you want to read it b) take it out from the library.
That said, I did read this one section and know that I wanted to share it with all of you (I didn’t agree with his conclusion at the end of the book, but I do resonate with this excerpt).
Well, I’m no scientist, and certainly I don’t have Carl Sagan’s technical understanding of the universe and our position within it. I simply believe that there’s a very organic, immeasurable consciousness of which we’re a part. I believe that this consciousness is a force so powerful that I’m incapable of comprehending its power through the puny instrument of my human mind. And yet, I believe that this consciouness is so unimaginably calibrated in its sensitivity that not one leaf falls in the deepest forests on the darkest of nights unnoticed.
Now, given the immensity of this immeasurable power that I’m talking about, and given it’s pervasiveness through the universe (extending from distant galaxies to the tip of my nose), I choose not to engage in what I consider to be the useless effort of giving it a name, and by naming it, suggesting that I in any way understand it, though I’m enriched by the language and imagery of both traditional Christianity and old island culture. Many of my fellow human beings do give it a name, and do purport to understand it in a more precise way than I would ever attempt. I just give it respect, and I think of it as living in me as well as everywhere else.
– Sydney Poitier, The Measure of a Man
On that note: Anyone got any big Rubbermaid containers I can borrow? I’m off to pack (and sadly, clean) the final few things.
Posted by Megan @
8:06 am |
-image-Only One Week Left to Go
I have to admit, this all seems a little surreal to me. I can close my eyes and see the new house; I can see the painting I’m going to do; I can see my furniture in the house; I can even see us walking around in it. But, when I open my eyes what’s here, what’s real, is this house - this place. That reality, it seems, is so much stronger than the future that I simply can not believe that we are moving into that house. It’s almost like a great game of imagination with my friends.
I’m not sure why that is though. In fact, the feeling of unreality is so strong that last night when I was out picking up two chairs for the new house (I know, why buy them before we move, but they were on clearance and, oh, so cheap) I had this odd feeling in the pit of my stomach. Which, I eventually realized, was because it seemed so wrong to be paying out money for the house that wasn’t real. I mean, in my stomach (or head, or whatever) it wasn’t real. How odd is that?
Maybe it has to do with my past? Never, before this current house, have I lived in one home for more than two years. It’s probably more accurate to say that that I have moved - from my childhood - every year (I know I have for as long as I’ve lived alone - for various reasons). So, you can probably understand how living in this house for seven years could play a mind game on me. It seems so unusual to me to actually be moving.
Plus, there’s more to that. This house feels like my past. In fact, it’s this palatable feeling of my past that has really been driving me; pushing on me that it’s time to move. The house is dark. I don’t know why the people who did the latest remodling didn’t improve the windows, but it was a mistake on their part. And this lack of sunshine always seems to make the house feel like it’s falling in on me.
It’s in this house that I truly explored the depths of depression. In this house that Wakizashi struggled through cancer (where I felt even more alone with my burdens because he was in no position to help me carry them). In this house I struggled with so many disappointments, with so many barriers, and this house almost seems to represent to me the person I have been struggling so hard to leave behind. Don’t get me wrong, there have been many, many, moments of happiness and joy in these seven years, but for whatever reason, this house always seems to carry the shadows of my past in it. Maybe it’s the lack of sunshine?
I need to leave this house. I know that so clearly.
I should say: I do not advocate running away from your problems. Up and moving, having a new child, or finding a new mate/spouse will not fix your problems. I know very well that the problems in my life begin and end inside me; changing my circumstances will not repair them, it will just make more probelms. I don’t need to move because it will make my life better if only I had a different house with more sunshine; I need to move because it’s time for us to do so.
Haven’t you ever had the feeling that something was over? It was time to quite your job, leave your church, move on? Do you know what I mean? I’ve felt this feeling before, and it can be very disconcerting. If you don’t know what it is it often feels like a problem with you: a lack of commitment, a fickleness, maybe even a bit of depression. You don’t feel interested, you feel restless when you are in the situation, or like you can’t leave soon enough. I’ve learnt to recognize this feeling as a giant flashing neon sign from God telling me that this particular season of my life is done and it’s finally time to move on to the next stage in the game. That’s what the house thing feels like to me. It’s time to go.
So, why then, can someone tell me, does this whole thing seem so impossible, and outside of reality? I don’t know. All I can say is that one week from today when the lawyer calls to tell me we have our keys, I’ll be loading up the animals and going to the new house. I need to be there. I need to stand in the empty house and know that it’s really mine (ours) and that we are really, yes really, moving there - living there.
In the meantime, I only have a few ragtag boxes left to pack, so I’ll be back later with an update!
Posted by Megan @
6:10 am |
-image-All Wrapped Up
I’m not very good at planning ahead for things. I’ve never excelled with having all my Ts crossed and my Is dotted ahead of time. If something takes advanced planning, I’m not your girl. It’s not because I’m incapable of doing the work; or even because I’m so disorganized I can’t get anything done on time; it has more to do with my sheer lack of patience.
You see, I tend to become obesessed with things; consumed by an idea or task. I get an idea and it stirs me up, and drives me, the pressure escalating till I see it finally done. I don’t mean obsessed or consumed in a negative way, it’s more like, I become passionate about the idea, excited about it, and so tangled up in it I just can’t wait to finally see it come true.
So, I work at it, and work at it, I think about it all the time (because I just can’t stop) and I keep plugging away. But, you can only keep that kind of passion up for so long, which is why I can’t do the “prepare in advance” thing. Part of my need is to see and touch the final product: Ta DAAA…. And having to wait three weeks between the completion of my prep work and actually seeing a product, or, God forbid, being able to move onto the final steps, is immensely stressful (not to mention, anti-climatic) for me.
I think that’s why I’m an idea person. The beginning of an idea is always very exciting to me. I even love the work involved in bringing an idea to fruition. In fact, when it comes to ideas and projects only two things limit me: Resources (as in, the amount of time I actually have available to me) and Patience. If I had unlimited time and energy, and the ability to work on a project and then let it sit (and work on another) till the right time I’m sure I’d actually be a doing kind of person.
For example, this whole house thing is killing me. And why is it killing me? Because, of course, I can’t see it to fruition. I could pack my whole house up this weekend (allow myself to become consumed in the project) but then I’d just have to sit here and twiddle my thumbs (the sitting here waiting is what truly bothers me). Which is why, yesterday, I allowed myself to be distracted by a new project. Seeing as I can’t see the house, touch the things, or paint the walls (my plan is frozen midway between stages), I’ve decided to shift to a new project to keep myself distracted.
Which is why yesterday I became obsessed with next year’s curriculum. Now, I can’t stop thinking about books, and subjects, and… Which isn’t so bad. It needs to be done, and I can order the books soon (meaning I’ve officially completed that project) which will give me the added fun of a package after we move.
I used to be very disappointed with myself. I saw myself as a quitter, someone who started many things, but rarely finished any. I’d get all stirred up and excited about a project, only to find that a) it wasn’t a good match for me and I wasn’t really liking it in practice (the truth is, it’s the idea of doing and being useful that gets me excited) or b) sometime in the waiting stages I’d become bored and move on. It took a long time for me to see that half of my problem was a willingness to do anything (for the sake of being useful) combined with an Idea Personality (there’s always the next big idea to distract me), rather than a (negative) personality issues (such as being a quitter, or fickle).
Now, I suppose my job is both to learn how to maximize what I’m good at - coming up with ideas - while refining the part of me that needs a little work - actually getting something done. In the meantime, I’m going to go look up some books. (Hey, it needs to be done.) There’s nothing wrong with a little obsession you know.
Posted by Megan @
6:49 am |
-image-A Collection of Thoughts
Hey, I wanted to take a second and thank all of you who’ve left me packing tips; I’d hate for you to think I haven’t read, or worse, don’t appreciate them. I’ve packed my whole kitchen except: one big bowl, one big knife, three steak knives, the strainer, and the spatula/stirring spoons. Everything else has been replaced with it’s plastic version. The Liquer Store has been my gold mine of boxes (and you aren’t the only one to suggest them either!) - they’ve pretty much kept me packing! So, thanks for all the encouragement and tips. You are all so uber helpful.
Speaking of packing, I seem to be packing obsessed. Really. I think it’s my primary distraction. Packing makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something and it’s distracting me from my wildy spinning thoughts. Last night I was lounging on the couch at 11:30 (one bad habit I’m going to have to address again) thinking, “I could take that big box up and start packing in the bedroom. Except Wakizashi’s sleeping… hmmm… I really should be packing something…”
No I shouldn’t. Of course I shouldn’t. I should be in bed. Why am I obsessing with packing? At this rate I’m going to have everything but our necessities packed in less than a week (the necessities will be thrown into Rubbermaids and laundry baskets on the final day) and then I’ll have a whole week left with nothing but my mind to occupy me! (On the other hand, I’ve never actually had a house fully packed before the day we leave so that’s got to be worth something.)
Also, I’ve been tagged by Nina. I’m torn; it was so nice of Nina to think of me and tag me, on the other hand, I don’t like to play along with tags so as to avoid a blog full of nothing but tagging replies. My decision on what to do is helped along by the fact that it’s not a unique tag; in fact, it’s very similar to the one and only tag I did reply to on this blog so here are random (unknown) facts about myself: I’ve Been Tagged. And I’ll add two more just because I’m nice like that:
1) I like trees. I like to draw trees, to look at trees, to photograph trees, and when I was a child I liked to climb trees.
2) I don’t like my food to be mixed. I eat things like stew and casseroles (as long as the combinations make sense though, things like peanut butter and cheese will never pass my lips) and such, but if food is served seperate I hate for it to touch. I don’t like sauces to overlap (watching people at a buffet pile food on top of other dishes makes me want to be sick - ewww) or flavors to mix. Wakizashi occassionaly jokes that he should buy those seperated plates you give kids; I’m ok with that plan.
Oh yes, the other day when I posted about my mental overwhlem issues I then sat down with my (new) agenda to try and put some order into my day. I almost laughed when I read the quote, how appropriate, how “coincidental”, I just had to share.
Small deeds done are greater than great deeds planned.
– Peter Marshall (That’s the coping mechanism that always gets me through my stages of overwhelm.)
And finally, the latest issue of Solo Moments went out yesterday! Woo Hoo… I’m so excited. I just love my newsletter/podcast. Sigh… If you are missing out all you need to do is sign up in the side bar - over there. I’m still having technical difficulties, and it seems I’m going to be forced to make a decision on what to do about it soon, but the final product is coming out fine so I hope you all are liking it as much as I am!
Posted by Megan @
6:49 am |
